Knowing and Asserting Boundaries Around Sex with Dr. Alison Ash

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Knowing and Asserting Boundaries Around Sex with Dr. Alison Ash

Surprisingly, boundaries don't push people away, they actually strengthen connection. Dr. Alison Ash returns to unpack sexual boundaries, especially for those who struggle to say no.

Ruan Willow

Nov 23, 2025

Episode 692: People pleasers and all people listen up!
Surprisingly, boundaries don’t push people away, they actually strengthen connection. Dr. Alison Ash returns to unpack sexual boundaries, especially for those who struggle to say no.

Boundaries aren’t just about your values; they’re about your capacity, the fluctuating energy and resources available to you based on sleep, stress, and nervous system regulation. When you’re dysregulated and operating outside your window of tolerance, you become reactive and frustrated. (Most of us consistently overestimate what we can handle.)

Dr. Aly shares a practical three-part formula for setting boundaries that helps others feel heard rather than rejected.

Key Takeaways:

• Boundaries aren’t selfish, they’re based on your actual capacity, which fluctuates daily based on sleep, stress, and nervous system regulation, making them a realistic necessity rather than a character flaw.

• The “window of tolerance” explains why you get reactive. When dysregulated, you become irritable and struggle to enforce boundaries, so managing your nervous system is as important as stating your limits.

• Healthy boundaries actually filter out unhealthy relationships, meaning people who respect your “no” strengthen the relationship, while those who don’t reveal incompatibility, not rejection of them as people.

Discussion topics;

Sexuality, sexual health, sexual wellness, relationships, mental health
Understanding Your Capacity and Setting/maintaining Healthy Boundaries without guilt and while maintaining connection
Feeling Safe Saying No Builds Trust
Understanding Trauma and Nervous System Dysregulation
Managing Trauma Response Through Nervous System Care
Communication and Pacing in Exploring Kink
Substance Use and Consent in Sexual Exploration
Learning From Past Experiences and Building Intimacy Skills
Sex Gets Better With Age and Confidence

Connect with Dr. Aly:

Sexual and Emotional Intimacy Skills online course on Tues, Jan 27th-Mar 17th

We all receive messages about who we are supposed to be, how we ought to feel, and how we should express ourselves, often enforced through shame and disconnection. Featuring 8 classes with a woven balance of science-based data, embodied exploration, and skills development designed to support you in creating, deepening, and sustaining sexual and emotional intimacy in your relationship(s). Recordings available for those who can’t attend live or want extra review. Super early bird tickets available now for $200-$400 off!

Last but not least, reach out to Dr. Aly for individual, couples, and ENM coaching support!

http://www.turnon.love/

Dr. Alison Ash, aka Dr. Aly, is a trauma-informed intimacy coach and educator, Stanford University Lecturer, author, and founder of TurnON.love. As a sociologist with a PhD from Stanford, she has a comprehensive understanding of the complex societal challenges that often lead to unsatisfying and disempowering intimate experiences. She has helped pioneer research into the orgasm gap and has written on topics ranging from pleasure in heterosexual dynamics to queer and trans identities and experiences. She also draws on her extensive training in Hakomi Mindful Somatic Psychotherapy, Innate Somatic Intelligence Trauma Therapy Approach, and Somatica Method of sex and intimacy coaching to support her clients to radically explore and courageously express themselves. Dr. Aly designs workshops, courses, and retreats and offers individuals and couples coaching to give others the tools to be able to cultivate and sustain nourishing emotional and sexual intimacy. Dr. Aly invites you to TurnON pleasure, intimacy and love at www.TurnON.love

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